रिश्ता

दर्द का एहसास भी दबाया जाता है,

ज़ख़मों को हंसी से छुपाया जाता है,

ज़रा ध़यान से चलना जनाब यहां,

यहां रिश्तों को दफनाया जाता है।

©®Diwakar 

Baarish

ये बारिश मेरे अश्कों जैसी है... 

मेरे मायूस दिल के कोने में रहती है... 

दिल भर आने से ये बरसती है .... 

आँख भर आने पे ये बरसती है ...

ये बारिश मेरे अश्कों जैसी है...   

29th April...

Son, the day has come when you departed from this world... Your departure was only from the world but no one knows that the journey you undertook was from this world to your dadda's heart. From that day onwards, your bonding with me has grown stronger. You know how much this bond matters to me.. It may be one thing which is keeping me alive. You are now alive in my heart and only I can see you... Our bond gets stronger by every day... I may not be able to bring you back in the world but I am not incomplete anymore. It has taken me a long time to understand that your physical presence is not required to make me feel you.. I can feel your touch, your little hands on my face, your kisses on my face, your love. When I can see you, I can feel you, I don't feel to bring this father and son bond in front of this world. Betu, I have a lot of emotions, which will keep flowing if I keep writing... I will now wish good night to you... Love,

Dadda...

Those Last Fifteen Days...

I still relive those last 15 days when I get time. I still sneak in the period where Atharv is lying on hospital bed and I just go and lie down next to him. I hold his little hands and give him a peck on his face.... He does not look at me.... He does not recognise me... I am feeling helpless and heart broken and I really want to cry a lot. The only thing holding me is that lot of people have pinned their hopes in me.... Why is it so that we have to present our strong side to the world when we are at the weakest in our heart?

Every single day Atharv lived, it was just that we had to prepare ourselves for his departure... Even in those last 15 days, his pains didn't end.. we were watching him being pricked multiple times everyday & blood transfused into his veins almost every 4th day... However, I am not writing this blog to share his pains and his sufferings with you and neither I am writing this so that you feel pity upon me. I am writing this blog to relive my preparedness for the final departure of Atharv from this world...

I feel I did not get much time on any single day to think about that Atharv is leaving us. But, every day got him ready & combed his small hair and wiped his face. Then we got ourselves ready for his medicines, diet, tests, vaccines and all to check our preparedness.

I don't know from where do the parents get strength to carry on in the toughest of the times, but I believe strongly that only parents can care for their children in the tough times....

My son Atharv

Hello Atharv!

How are you doing my dear son? You know I love you a lot and miss you very much. It has been two days since I have seen you.. You are resting in a place where no one can disturb you.

You know that there are journeys which one has to take someday in life. Many people, even if they are big enough, are afraid of taking such journeys. I am proud of you my son that you have taken this journey at a very young age and that too all alone. You are a warrior my son. If you would have been alive, you would have taken life as well by its horns... I have seen that strength and courage in you. The way you were bearing the pain without any expression of it on your little face, I know you were special. A little tough guy.

You know Atharv, it is very hard to let go your memories so easily as life is forcing us to. You will be in my memories forever my son. Life is actually very cruel. It is very difficult to move on than people think so. The bond I have shared with you is only between you and me. I have given you love of whole life in these one and a half years. It is not easy for me to let go these memories.

People say that you have to move forward for your other child but how do we move without you? I sometimes feel incomplete without you. There are many moments when I am trying to divert my mind and suddenly you come in my mind. This pain is going to stay with me....

My son Atharv

People say that it is good to have a hope. These last 10 months I have lived with a hope. A hope to make my son's life healthy.

These last 10 months have snatched a lot of from me. But my efforts to treat my son were not enough.

Atharv came into our lives on January 12, 2016. He was our little bundle of joy, a beautiful dream. He was born perfect at right time with the right weight. He was born through a C-section. He cried at birth. It was a sign of his normalcy.

We have a daughter who is elder to Atharv. As Atharv grew, we kept comparing his achievement of milestones to those of our daughter, when finally one day he was unable to achieve his head holding. He started banging his head, he was less responsive and soon his jerky movements started. For us, it was a new thing so we went to a local pediatrician, who diagnosed him with certain kind of epilepsy.

Our happiness was short-lived and our long journey, full of stress and emotional setback started. Atharv was diagnosed with West syndrome, a neurological disease, and global developmental delay which made the life painful for Atharv. He was diagnosed with this disease in June 2016 and since then despite giving him medication, his condition deteriorated every month.

Because of his poor neck holding, he was unable to eat. His weight started to fall. In next 6 months he could not gain even 1 gram of weight. He threw whatever he ate. Because of his neurological condition and poor immune system and recurring spasms, he had to be admitted again to PGI in November 2016. This time his MRI shown atrophy in his brain. With 3/4 brain atrophied, there was not much hope left for him. Doctors told us that he will not survive for much longer as due to his aspirations of secretions, he was catching aspirational pneumonia time and again. This was the time his lungs started weakening.

Atharv's was on and off on oxygen since the diagnosis of his problem. He had to be hospitalized every now and then. But his every visit to hospital worsened his problems and shortened his life expectancy and shattered our hopes of taking him out of this very bad disease.

Our love for Atharv grew stronger with every passing day. Atharv never ever recognized us. He just kept rolling his eyes. Our bonding with Atharv grew stronger every day due to the time we spent with him in hospital.

Due to his poor weight and inability to eat, PEG tube was inserted in him. Our hopes of his recovery were reignited. But, he was admitted back to the hospital because of pneumonia. In February 2017, his left lung collapsed, which was first life threatening sign for him. By now, doctors had understood that he won't survive for much longer. But as parents, our hopes were still there.

We celebrated his first birthday in hospital emergency.

He was discharged on oxygen in February. He stayed at home for the entire month of March. In April, his both lungs collapsed. By now we have understood that he is critical and now our hopes rested on doctors and God.

Such children generally die because of respiratory failure or cardiac arrest. Atharv was admitted again to hospital with respiratory distress, where doctors told us to be prepared for the final call any minute. This happened on 14 April but because of toughness of Atharv to fight, he survived. He suffered cardiac arrest on 29th April. He was given CPR to revive his heart. 

I am writing this blog when my son is still with me. I know somewhere in heart that he is alive just because of medicines and incubator but I am still hoping for a miracle to happen. But these last one and a half years of my life have been full of emotions and love. I have given my full love and attention to him which I wouldn't have been able to give him, had he been normal..

He suffered 3 back to back Cardiac arrests, 1st at 3.30 am where he was recovered due to CPR, 2nd at 5 am but he was saved again due to CPR. But last time he could not survive when he suffered last cardiac arrest at around 5.45 am. This time when doctors arrived to do CPR on him, we asked them to let him go.

Visitors' Lounge

Hello everyone,

It's been a long time, I know, but topics don't come that easy to common people. You know there is a big difference between a writer and a non-writer. Again I apologize in advance for all grammatical and other errors I will make in following text. Kindly ignore the errors.

Every initiative to write such a blog comes from a real life experience, like I am sharing my experience here. And this experience is an unfortunate one, because going to such a place is not everyone's will but circumstances.

Visitors' lounge sees 60 to 70 people visit daily to meet their patients. Some close ones are already present there as they are the ones who have brought their respective spouse, their parents or their siblings. As their patients get treatment in ICU, they wait with wet eyes and dampened hope in visitors' lounge.  Everyone in the room is stranger except relatives. Relatives come, discuss the situation and go, leaving a group of distressed people behind. We know these close ones as "Attendants".

Attendants, who have come from distant places are impelled by the situation to stay together with other attendants, sharing feelings and emotions of each other and giving strength to each other. They share tears and happiness of other members of their newly formed group. Everybody, if not trying to console others, at least shares the same platform of emotions with others. On first day,  from morning to evening they have to do only one thing -  wait.

As the night arrives,  these Attendants take out their bedding and go to sleep. Some people who haven't brought any bedding try to sleep on  sofa,  some on floor. However, many of them don't sleep as they have to wake in wait of any news, good or bad, about their patients. And they may have to be awake in case doctor who is treating their patients may need their consent in case of an emergency. A consent will decide a doctor's treatment. He may have to perform an emergency surgery in night to save the patient.

In night visitors' lounge give shelter to 20 attendants. All sleeping to wake up to a new morning. They start their day with chores. And then some get their patients discharged and go back to their home happily, leaving group of other attendants in wait- when will they be happy like others?